I’ve had my heart smashed to pieces. Countless times, in fact. And as a child I wanted more than anything else in the world to find a partner in life. I wanted it more than riches and fame and everything else combined. And it has been the one thing that has most eluded me. I remember the times that I had given my whole soul to someone and felt the earth shake and heavens rend asunder when they did horrible things that betrayed my trust in unforgivable ways. Time after time after time.

And I learned some things.

It sounds awful but it’s actually calming and hopeful – the fact is that the love you need has to come from you. I used to hate that phrase and my heart would cry out “You don’t understand! I need it from someone else! I give so much to so many people and I don’t understand why it seems too much to ask for someone to love me back!” It was true in the sense that I gave love to everyone I could find. Strangers and family members, inmates and priests. And yet I could not find it from others. Not in the way I needed. Not in a way that felt genuine.

It started to change when I literally placed my hands on my heart and said “I will love you the way you need. I’ve got you. I will protect you. I’m here for you.” When I actively began that practice, the script absolutely flipped. The emptiness disappeared. The aching melted away. I had love in my life now. The love I needed. The love I craved. It was being poured into me by me. And it changed everything.

Since that time I have taken vacations around the world I never dreamed I could take, enrolled in classes I hadn’t dared to raise my eyes to and am actively knocking out bucket list items that erstwhile I felt was something I could never do while adding new ones to take their place. I am taking over and revamping a real estate company to include openings for ultra luxury properties – five million and up – with marketing plans that include advertising with the Wall Street Journal and other jaw dropping features. I am upleveling in a way I could never have imagined.

Do I still want a relationship? Of course! I’d get married tomorrow if the right fella came along. But that is the thing. He has to be the right one. Not a filler, not a step up, not a man I settle for because I’m sad or lonely. Not a bad decision made out of desperation. And I’m not hungry for love anymore. I have it. I am the love I needed. And that is available for you as well. It has always been inside of you. The good you do others, the good you do for your community or your family or your friends or whoever is within your sphere – that can be yours as well. You can show that goodness and that protection and love to yourself. It isn’t selfish. It’s actually a gift you give yourself and others. When we don’t feel desperate, we don’t require as much care from others. We don’t grasp at relationships like a drowning man at a life vest. We calm ourselves and in turn allow others to be calm too.

So practice this with me right now. Breathe deeply and slowly. Place your hands on your heart. Feel the beating in your chest. Feel the air as it fills your lungs. And now say out loud, starting with calling yourself by name “___________, I love you. I support you. I believe in you. You matter to me. I will help you. I will not leave you to all the difficulties and challenges of the world alone. You don’t have to do this by yourself. I’ve got you.”

And remember that this life is yours and it isn’t a dress rehearsal. This is the real deal. We have one shot at it. So crush the goals you had as a kid. Better yourself in body and mind and spirit and everything else. Whether or not you end up with a partner is secondary – you will always have a relationship with yourself and you want it to be fabulous.

You can do this. I believe in you.